6 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE BECOMING A WIFE AND MOM
Being a wife of 6 years and a mother to a lovely toddler has taught me so many lessons. If someone had told me these things when I was younger, maybe I wouldn’t have listened, depending on how they presented the information. We all learn and take in information differently, so I believe providing more avenues for someone to see these things might be helpful for those about to step into the life of a wife and mom. Of course, I’ve learned so much more, which I intend to share with you, but this is just a taste of things I wish I had known before starting this journey, and I hope it helps even just one person feel less alone or be a better partner and parent.
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OUTSOURCE
My partner can’t be my everything. The roles I expected him to fill are the perfect holder of secrets, venting person, understanding of all my emotions and empathizing with them, masseuse/esthetician, therapist, outburst calmer, spiritual leader, and matching parent. But I learned that they couldn’t be just like you and can't be exactly everything you need in your life. That's why we have best friends, cousins, siblings, and work friends. Partners have things they’re good at, so learn those strengths and put them to use, but allow the space to invite your friend to lunch to vent to her instead. She’s probably way better at giving advice you’ll actually use.
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SELF-CARE
The rule is to always take care of myself first, fill my cup first, and put my mask on first. This means putting together your minimum list of what you need to feel good for the day and doing that daily. You may need to make the bed, brush your teeth, have some tea, and meditate for 5 minutes to feel good in the morning. Make those things your priority first and foremost to satisfy your mental health; then, you can go ahead and help others. Depression is a virus; it can be passed to your partner quickly. Fill your cup before your partner catches your lousy mood or create a plan for when you or your partner don’t know what to do, which means having a proactive conversation.
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GET THERAPY
Every day won’t be great, so gather the tools to get through the bad days. Therapy provides the tools to deal with all the issues that pop up. Every couple, I repeat, EVERY COUPLE has their challenges. When I started therapy, my therapist asked me, “So, what are the things that annoy you about your fiance?” At the time, I didn’t have an answer because I thought there was nothing to be annoyed about. Months later, I started to notice the things that bothered me. At that point, I didn’t have the tools, and my traumas took over in the absence of my awareness. As I started to voice my concerns after becoming aware, my relationship became easier to navigate.
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EXTERNALIZE
Don’t take on my husband’s feelings as my own. This is for all the empaths and doers. We have to hold space for our partner's emotions and traumas, but we don’t let those things stop us from living our lives. Let him have his moments, and you will have yours. Remember to control the things within your power and not those outside your control.
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TEACH ‘EM HOW TO TREAT YOU
I once thought I needed to follow everything my significant other said. If he wanted to do something, my answer was yes. I soon realized that wasn’t making me happy. Communicate your thoughts and values to your partner, and let your partner in. A good partner will learn what you need and want and try to provide them. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
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PERFECTION IS A FANTASY
Being a mom means being pulled in many directions: laundry, washing baby bottles and dishes, making toddler food, staying in touch with friends, and going to therapy. Not everything gets done daily, and no one, including you, should expect that. Could you do the least essential things tomorrow?
P.S. Being a mom is demanding and rewarding. You’re doing a fantastic job, and I appreciate the work you’re putting into raising adults who are positive members of society. It may not feel like it, but your child(ren) appreciates you too.
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